When Ebo proposed to me, I told him to leave me alone. He said, “How can I leave you alone when I love you this much?” I asked him, “How much is this much? He said, “There’s no measure. All I know is I love you too much to let you go.” He was just being a boy in love or a boy who thinks he had found something to love. Actually, he didn’t know me that well and I didn’t know him that well so I gave him the classical line; “Give me some time to think about it.”
Days rolled into weeks and weeks became months. He was still on my case, pursuing me everywhere. I told him, “You still don’t know me that well. Let’s give it some time.” He thought I was just playing hard to get or I was being difficult just to score some I’m-not-cheap points. But that wasn’t the case. I was only weighing his commitment and how far his love goes.
He asked me, “What about you don’t I know? We’ve been seeing each other for months, so what about you don’t I know?”
This is what he didn’t know…
I was twenty-two when I first got a boyfriend. It was that boy who took my innocence away. I was so green like the leaves planted by the river when he held my head in the palm of his hands and kissed me. I thought it was awful. I cleaned my lips repeatedly with the handkerchief in my hand and spat around ceaselessly. He stood there and laughed. “Haven’t you been kissed before?” He asked. I answered innocently, “I’ve seen people do it but this is my first.” He asked again, “You don’t like it?” I answered, “Why do you have to spit in my mouth?”
It looks like that boy cast a spell on me. I didn’t know so much but I was ready to do whatever he asked me to do. I kissed him many times till I got used to it and one day when I least expected it, he took my virginity too.” It hurt but I wasn’t angry. I was happy when he told me afterward that we were going to stay together forever; “You get to live forever with the one who takes your virginity,” he said. I believed him and thought we were forever.
I wanted to see him every day and be with him wherever he may be. In the church, I was with him. Immediately he returned from work, I would be in his house. On weekends, I would stay in his house till it was late. Wherever he went I followed. Soon, he felt out of space and started complaining. “You don’t have to be with me all the time just because we are in love. Make friends with other people. Live your life. Give me some space.” I told him, “I don’t need friends if I have you and the only place I want to be is where you are.”
That was the first time I heard the word “Clingy.”
“You’re too clingy, Monica. Please give me some space!” He screamed. “Clingy? what’s the meaning of clingy?” He said, “The only thing that has the permission to cling to me is my shirt, not you. Just give me some space.”
He was getting angry and I was scared I was going to lose him so I tried not to encroach on his space. He wouldn’t call me when I was not with him. He would be everywhere with other ladies and chilling. He needed some space only to fill it up with other ladies. I wasn’t going to sit there and watch him replace me so I jumped back into his life. I needed to recover my space.
The day he was leaving me, I asked him why and he said, “You’re too clingy and that’s suffocating. I know you love me and I love you too but you don’t need to attach your whole being to mine. It doesn’t work that way.” “So you’re leaving me because I love you too much?” “No, that’s not the case. I just can’t deal with people who are always in my face.”
We tried on several occasions to patch things up but his mind was made up. I was too clingy and clingy girls don’t deserve to be loved in equal measure so he left the relationship. That was my first heartbreak and it hurt like hell. I took some time out to learn who I really am, to understand my needs when it comes to love and relationship.
I’m intense. I love with everything I have so I can’t give spaces when my heart is involved. I told myself, “The next one has to know this before he gets entangled with me. He should be someone who’s ready to share his space with me because I’m going to be all over him.”
That is what Ebo didn’t know about me and there was no way to let him know unless I was involved with him. It was not enough to tell him that I’ll take his space and be clingy. A boy in love or boy who’s infatuated with you will agree to your clinginess until you’re with him, then he begins to make exceptions.
It happened with Eric and it happened with Felix too.
They said they didn’t have a problem with a woman who’s clingy. Eric said, “That’s how I want my woman to be. I want her to be with me through it all. I would like to show her off and go everywhere with her.” He only said that to get me to fall for him. When push came to shove, he bent under his own weight and walked away. As for Felix, he had problems with my calls. He said I was calling him every minute and he didn’t like that. That’s a lie. I didn’t call him every minute. I called in the morning, afternoon and in the evening because he wasn’t going to call if I didn’t. He felt micromanaged and also took off.
Here I am, after three years of not being in a relationship, standing face to face with another man who’s putting up the best audition of his life to win a role in my heart. “Ebo I’m clingy. Ebo, When I say yes to you, I’ll be all over you. Ebo, I’ll be in your space when we become lovers. It’s not intentional, it’s the way I am. I love too much and it becomes the end of me. You can’t stand me because I’m too intense.”
He looked into my eyes and said, “Just try me. Give me the chance and see who’ll be clingy.”
It took a whole year for me to say yes to him. In my mind, if a guy pursues you for a whole year, he’s worth the chance. I said yes to him, believing this will work and praying for it to work.
One month later, things were sweet and rosy. He was being the man I wanted him to be. Three months went and we still were in the flowery stage of our love. He was calling each morning, afternoon, and evening. When he said good night, it was indeed a good night. I didn’t have to say a word to anybody. I’ll just put my phone down and sleep.
Six months and we were still good and getting better. I stopped counting the days and instead believed that there were guys who were built to provide a shoulder for clingy people like us. A year and a half later, the cracks started showing. He wouldn’t call as he used to and he wouldn’t pick my calls too. He gave excuses for everything; I prepared my mind for the worse before it happened and it happened sooner than I anticipated. He didn’t complain about my being clingy because he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t go there. He chose to give me silence treatment.
He will pick the phone and still remain quiet until I had said everything I had to say. He’ll say, “Ok,” and that’s all. If you ask him what the issue is, he would say, “Nothing is wrong.” Nothing kills the soul faster than the silence of the one you love. I read between the lines. One day I stopped calling and for weeks he didn’t call me. I knew we were over but I wanted to know why. When I asked why, he said, “Nothing is wrong.”
A few months later, a friend told me she was discussing my breakup with Ebo and asked him why it didn’t work out he said. “That girl is too clingy. Like she can’t live her life without attaching herself to me. It got scary and intimidating”
That word again. He knew I could be clingy right from the start and told me he was ready so why would he run from something he was prepared for? Clingy is just a word that gives bad vibes to the way I love with all my heart. I’m not clingy. I love too much and I give my all in love. But tell me, is that a crime?